MyATMPinIs1234

It's almost 2005. By the time someone stumbles upon this site, it probably will be, unless it is already 2006. But in our super advanced, technologically marvelous, ipod infused day, why are my favorite things over a hundred years old?

• Jack Daniels (1866)
• Keens Steakhouse (1885)
• Levis (1873)
• Olympic Lifting (1896)
• Springfield 1903 (chambered '06)

So go ahead and drink your Starbucks, listen to your iTunes, and Tivo this week's Will and Grace*. I'll do a couple sets of Cleans, toss on the jeans, and then have a steak and a whiskey. Riflery will have to wait until I vacate the PRM**.

* Ok, that show kicks ass.
** The People's Republic of Manhattan.

It boggles the mind. The director of Greenpeace UK and the director of Friends of Earth have both made statements attributing this year's natural disasters, including the recent tsunami, to "climate change" from human activity. And why not? With the science inconclusive at best, it is now pretty much taken for granted that global warming is happening, with the question being what, if anything, to do about it.

It seems to me, that with the earth cycling through periods of ice ages and hotter ages over the past few million years, an environmental status quo would be extremely odd. The dinosaurs didn't die because my Honda Civic only gets 45 highway. A recent speech by Michael Crichton goes into detail about how deeply flawed the science behind global warming is, which doesn't prove it's untrue, but I think the burden of proof is on the people who want to spend trillions of dollars to fix the "problem."

Just admit that you are an anti-progress Marxist who latches on to anything that could potentially be used to slow down the forward march of humanity.

Because if you really, really cared about the environment, you'd be championing a source of power that does not release greenhouse gases, is plentiful, and creates 100's of times more energy than the same amount of carbon based fuels. It's called Nukes. Don't be scared, there are probably a half dozen reactors floating in San Diego bay right now.

And if you really cared about the environment, you'd notice that economic progress is the only way to improve the environment. Rich countries have the resources and the desire to clean things up. The people in India burn camel shit, but is that the environment you'd like to emulate? So why would you trash our economy to reduce CO2 emissions by like 1%?

Frankly, it's annoying that the people with the best intentions but the most ridiculous counter-productive solutions get the most credit, while the people with the most efficacious (but usually not intuitive) solutions get scorn and opprobrium from Susan Sarandon. And all I really wanted was for Susan to like me...

You would think I work at the Pentagon. Here is a list of the steps to get to my desk at the office.

0) Enter building.
1) Go to side to get briefcase x-rayed.
2) Show ID card to guard on main floor.
3) Take stairs/escalator/elevator to second fl lobby.
4) Show ID to guard, swipe to get into elevator bank.
5) Take another elevator to my floor.
6) Swipe ID card at the entrance to the floor.
7) Try to sneak past boss since I'm late.

Oh, and if I want to get water or coffee, the fastest way requires swiping my card again. But what I really don't understand is the x-ray machine. Anything a bad person can bring in a briefcase he can also just carry under his winter jacket, which would require no scan or metal detector. I would x-ray the bags on the way out of the building.

A long time ago, in a land far, far away, there was a beautiful Princess. Of her many suitors, there was only one in the land who was able to solve her father's riddle and win her hand in marriage. The King, foolishly, had designed a riddle that could be modeled by a finite state automaton and solved in polynomial time, and thus the winner of this connubial contest was Hu, the local computer science graduate student. Being a man of his word, the King decided to throw a magnificent ball to showcase the new couple.

The great hall was decorated, a feast was prepared, and invitations went out to all the other royals and grad students. The Princess and Hu waited near the entrance for guests to arrive. As the time approached, Hu decided to use the lavatory before the party began. The Princess, seeing where he was going and noting that the bathroom was right near where the guests would congregate to congratulate the couple, asked for and received confirmation from Hu that he was going to go "number one."

Several minutes went by and the Princess began to worry. She heard a flush and Hu opened the bathroom door, releasing the most noxious cloud of excremental stench she had ever experienced. The Princess fainted and hit her head on the stone floor, going into the coma that she is still in to this day. People around the world still recount the story of the Princess who didn't know that computer scientists start counting with zero.

Ad Wizard Alert

During my normal reconnoitering for things that just don't make sense, I came across an advertisement for the Conair Ion Shine hairdryer, which promises to "use ions to reduce your hair's frizz and improve shine." No one else seemed perplexed by this ad, so I guess they already knew how ions accomplish this, but I was not convinced. A quick web search revealed this:

An ionic dryer generates clouds of negatively charged ions to neutralize positive ions. They surround the hair shaft much like a hair conditioner does and they aid in reducing static electricity and fly-away frizzies which can dull the hair. The result is shiny, conditioned, healthy hair for men and women of all ages, races and nationalities*.

Of course! Since my hair is filled with positively charged ions (cations, which must be a bad thing), this hair dryer is just the ticket. I guess this also explains why my hair is always so much nicer when I watch TV, whose cathode would attract those bad cations out of my hair.

Can someone please give me a job in marketing? I would like a job in a field (economists, weather prognosticators) where the more wrong you are the most successful you are. I could shoot straight to the top of such a field.

*On a positive note, it's heartening to see that clouds of negatively charged ions do not discriminate on the basis of age, race, or nationality.

In order to boost my readership, I've decided to turn this into a Lad Blog. Tune in for fresh installments on:

• How to get great abs! (AKA lose [math.rand(20)] lbs in [math.rand(12)] weeks.)
  
• Our reporter's underground story from [Thailand|Tijuana|Prague].
• Sex secrets from [mystical eastern religion && not(Cao Dai)].
• if (month=='may') "Car Issue!" else "Gadget Reviews!"
• Scandalous pics of heretofore staid actress!

And make sure to stop by to check out our Japanese intern Hiro, as we send him on zany assignments that are only funny because of gross language and cultural barriers.

Wow. Check out this affirmative action policy email I just received.

[Financial Firm] has clear guidelines regarding the equitable treatment of all of our people. Meritocracy – the concept that career success at [Financial Firm] depends solely on ability and achievement – is a core value that has been and remains critical to the firm’s long-term success.

So in other words: We have no affirmative action policy. We're certainly equal opportunity, but zilch on the AA. I think the insanity might be almost over. Oh, and regardless of any [alleged?] current or historical repression, bias, and discrimination, I don't think, linguistically, we can call women a "minority."

You might've heard about a hawk that was recently "evicted" from a NYC apartment building. The eviction has caused quite an uproar, with hundreds of protesters causing quite a ruckus outside of the swank building. The building residents have to endure a barrage of threats, insults, and general unpleasantness to even get inside the building.

I know this because I had lunch at this building yesterday, where a relative of mine lives.

This person is your typical limousine liberal. I can't think of a liberal cause that she has not supported or expressed some admiration for in the past. Well it came back and bit her in the ass. These protesters were the greatest when they were focused on helping out your buddy John Kerry (and shutting down access to my apt, which was near the RNC), but now that they've headed on up, to the eastside, to a deluxe apartment in the sky, it's not quite a great, huh?

But the best part, is not the inconvenience, but the moral crisis these people are experiencing. Your typical conservative tycoon would consider this mess an annoyance, but these liberals are actually wounded that other people would protest them. After all of the black-tie charity dinners they've hosted to support orphans, this is the thanks they get. Many of the people are near emotional breakdown, not because of some protests, but because they can't admit to themselves that they just got hoisted by their own petard.

And can you believe this horseshit?

The nest removal has ruffled the feathers of one of the building's other famous residents, actress Mary Tyler Moore."Apparently, every other person in the building wanted the hawk gone," Moore said. "It just outrages me."

Oh sure, no one told poor Mary Tyler Moore about the coop's plans. I'm sure she had nothing to do with the decision. I guess she loved the bird watchers in the park looking into her apartment with telescopes and dealing with the results of the hawk's hunting expeditions. Wasn't MTM one of those people that's moving to France now that Bush got re-elected? I guess she's still planning the relocation. These things take time.

Ok, I have an idea. We can get the UN Security Council to authorize the relocation of the hawk nest. Then it will be legal under "international law" and no one will have any reasons to protest and we can all get back to planning cocktail parties.

I don't feel like writing anything today, so I'm going to post something I originally wrote back in 1981.

Booger head. Mrs. Jackson is a booger head. This is a booger school and Mrs. Jackson is the archetypical booger header eater woman.

(A couple of the words were hard to read so that is my best guess of what I wrote.)

If you're a 90 year old blue-hair trying to get from your Cadillac Deville into Publix in the rain, by all means, feel free to use some gigantour umbrella.

But if you're walking around in Manhattan, please get a normal sized umbrella. This is because you take up the entire sidewalk and you are short so no one can get around you without walking into the ubiquitous, pot-hole puddles in the street. Next time I see someone walking around streets that were designed by 17th century Dutch midgets with a golf umbrella (no the midgets did not have golf umbrellas, I just don't write good), I'm going to walk right through you.

Rosa Parks, formerly a commuter from Montgomery, AL, now lives in Detroit. Like many people, she's had some trouble with her landlord.

"Rosa Parks' landlord has offered to let her stay in her apartment rent-free, two years after threatening to evict her when the owners said her caretakers missed rental payments."

That's a nice thing to do.

"Hartford Memorial Baptist Church in Detroit had been paying Parks' rent, which had been as high as $1,800 a month, since August 2003, the Rev. Charles Adams said."

$1,800! In Detroit!?! Was she living in the Silverdome?

More recently, Parks' lawyers have filed two suits involving the hip-hop duo OutKast and their record company, BMG, over a song titled "Rosa Parks." They seek a total of $5 billion.

Yes, I think $5 Billion sounds fair.

Side effect of the government's war on cigarette smoking: Child abusers have to find something new to put out on their kids.

Sometimes I feel like the information age version of The Colonel.