MyATMPinIs1234

This is unbelievable. Are you frigging kidding me?

I don't usually get freaked out about environmental issues, but this is really something that needs to be looked into further.

A Columbia University graduate student has come out with a climate model with a new take on the consequences of global warming. We all know that increased temperatures cause faster melting of the polar ice caps, resulting in higher sea levels around the globe.

Previous studies have looked at only the first order consequences such as the flooding of coastal areas. This new model explores the higher order ramifications of increased sea levels. Although the ice melt is distributed proportionally to the oceans around the world, the massive Pacific ocean, which covers nearly a third of the globe and has an average depth of 13000 feet, would capture a huge percentage of the total melt. Thus the 'mass' of the water in the Pacific would be increased much more than the other oceans in absolute terms.

Projections indicate that this additional mass would cause the rotation of the earth to "wobble" slightly, similar to an unbalanced washing machine. As the Earth's angular momentum is being wasted in the wobbling motion, the rotational speed will decrease slightly for as long as this situation occurs. The fact that this scenario is not seen in the fossil record during previous warm stretches is because 'continental drift' has caused the oceans to become increasingly unbalanced over time.

The preliminary model suggests that the length of an Earth day will thus be increased by between 30-50 minutes over a hundred years. While this does not sound like a lot, and of course humans are able to easily adapt, it would have drastic consequences for the rest of the eco-system, affecting everything from crop yields to the migratory pattern of birds.

I think it's clear that we should not waste any more time studying whether this is true or not and start acting immediately. Do you really want to have to tell your grandchildren that you did not act because you wanted to wait until we had proof? Also, considering that I just made this whole thing up, further research would probably not be able to replicate these findings.

The international popularity of soccer has always astounded me. I am now a bit closer to understanding it, however, upon being told that outside of the U.S. they also have men's teams.

Apparently Hillary Clinton claims that she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary, the guy that climbed Mt. Everest. It says so in Bill's new book, on page 870. That's pretty damn cool...except...

"Edmund Hillary reached the top of Everest in 1953. Hillary Rodham was born in 1947, when Sir Edmund was an obscure New Zealand beekeeper and an unlikely inspiration for two young parents in the Chicago suburbs (WSJ 6/25)."

Very tough job: Fact checker for Bill Clinton's book.

You can make almost any joke more funny by changing the geographical component to Fallujah or Des Moines. This is known as the 'Albuquerque Rule' and was popularized by Bugs Bunny.

Example:
The job is in Des Moines?!? I'd rather be sent to Fallujah!

Say you run a typical medium sized organization that has a need for strong security and reliability on your Internet connection. Do you spend $50k on a fancy Cisco router and super firewalls, or do you just plug in one of those Linksys deals they're pretty much giving away these days?

You think to yourself, "I'm an important law firm/hedge fund/software company and I can't trust my data and security to some free piece of junk. I'm going to protect myself with the top of the line model." Good thinking. Except for the fact that they are basically the same thing. Both setups are vulnerable to the most skilled and determined hacker, and both setups prevent the vast majority of security issues. Performance is also irrelevant, because unless you are a big company the connection coming in to your building will probably be the bottleneck anyways. For the vast majority of companies, there is no practical difference.

This is an example of a paradox pointed out in a recent speech by Charlie Munger where "if you want the physical volume [of units sold] to go up, the correct answer is to increase the price." This pretty much goes against all of microeconomics (except that crazy giffen good crap), and his point was that it's probably a good idea for economists to know some psychology.

What is the point of all this crap I'm spewing? The point is that sometimes you just have jack up your fee to some obscene amount. The big client doesn't want their legal mumbo jumbo done by the guy with a shingle out front who charges $50/hour. They want to pay $500/hour. The investment bank doesn't want their trading system programmed by the college student who will work for free pizza. They want that same guy a year later wearing a suit and being pimped out by Accenture for $150/hour.

Oh, and no one wants a $20 ho.

Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, wants Michael Moore to change the title of his new movie, Fahrenheit 911.

For the new title, I recommend 'Kelvin 761'.

Golf caddy is the coolest job you can have where you are required to wear a smock.

There has been a lot of speculation about who will be John Kerry's running mate. Apparently, he wanted John McCain, who as a loyal Republican spurned his overtures.

I think McCain made the wrong decision. The smartest move would've been for McCain to accept the nomination, and then when it was final and the campaigning really started, he could start to act completely insane and blow the whole thing for Kerry.

It might end his political career, but he's getting old, and what a way to go out. And it would serve Kerry right. Asking McCain to be your running mate is like putting one of Saddam's generals in charge of part of the US invasion plans. Even if McCain played it straight, Kerry would not be able to control him. The Republicans can't even control him.

I think Kerry should ask Sean Combs to be his Veep.

Apparently, the New York City Department of Education is now running snack food taste tests in an effort to lure kids away from cookies. Says one tyke:

"Raymond Crowell, 11, who snacks on Doritos most days after school and before chess practice, says cookies are "too starchy" and prefers a mocha smoothie (WSJ 6/16)."

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin.

1) Suggestion to NYC DOE -- how about actually doing some friggin teaching?
2) Kids are supposed to eat cookies. They've been eating them for a hundred years. They're not now suddenly causing obesity.
3) Raymond is going to get his ass kicked. Chess club and prefers mocha smoothies? I bet the mocha goes really well with his sushi, the little fucker.

I am really starting to get annoyed by all the emails I'm receiving about how I need to "lose weight fast" and "add 3 inches to my penis". But the real question is, who gave her my email address?

Dick Grasso, you are not alone.

There is another high ranking official at a not-for-profit organization whose pay is "excessive" according to someone who is not responsible for determining his pay (me). His name is Eliot Spitzer, and he makes $150k.

Although his pay was set by the State Assembly, some members now claim they did not read the full text of the agreement, and/or were not present for the vote.

Further, it is a HUGE conflict of interest that the people who make the laws get to decide how much to pay the person in charge of enforcing those laws. The lawmakers who are now defending Spitzer obviously have a lot of explaining to do -- for paying one of their buddies an amount that puts him in the top few percentile of all taxpayers.

The lawmakers that didn't read the compensation bill before voting, or who didn't show up for the vote are all good though.

Can someone please sue Spitzer, and also an arbitrary state official who doesn't have enough clout to make it worth not suing?

Welcome to the Shit Salary Calculator. The purpose of this tool is to estimate the amount of money your company pays you each year while you are sitting on the toilet at the office. Enjoy.

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I know you guys don't care about the new quantum cryptography network that was recently invented by Al Gore and John Kerry, but I would like to point out one thing. Check out the description given on how the encryption keys can be compromised...

One example is if a laser inadvertently produces more than one photon, which happens occasionally. An eavesdropper could potentially siphon off the extra photons and decrypt the key.

If you can siphon off excess photons from within a buried fiber optic cable and then figure out what the key is based on said photon, you DESERVE THE FRIGGIN MONEY.

As we progress as a society we are constantly re-jiggering our nomenclature to reflect the advances we have made in understanding everything from race relations to new technologies.

It is now thought by many that the internal combustion engine is responsible for most societal ills, causing everything from wars to icestorms. Thus I urge that at the conclusion of this year's NBA Finals Detroit re-christens their team as the Detroit Hydrogen Fuel Cells.

I've done some research, and apparently 74% of our GDP is now being spent on telling people not to do things that don't affect other people. This includes:

* $600B, Drug enforcement activity
* $300B, Drug addiction and treatment
* $250B, Alcohol treatment
* $190B, Anti-smoking
* $145B, Anti-obesity
* $90B, Prevention of prostitution, gambling, and betting on prostitution.
* $30B, Friends don't let friends drive a Ford.
* $15B, Petitioning for the removal of inflatable Dos Equis bottles.

It seems like we can save a lot of money by replacing all of the above with one small organization that releases a semi-annual report stating simply, "I don't care what you do". Further, I volunteer to personally run the foundation, and I pledge that it can all be accomplished for less than $2 Billion.

Note: All facts, opinions, statistics, and analyses in the preceding are completely fabricated.

Bumper sticker seen at lunch on a delivery truck:

"Driver carries no cash... he's married."

"At one of 7-Eleven's most successful new stores, on Temple University's campus in Philadelphia, 17% of its merchandise is made up of fresh-food items, such as turkey sandwiches and doughnuts. Its top-selling item -- sushi -- isn't even carried in most 7-Eleven stores outside California."

I can't wait until all the mercury in the sushi makes the entire state of California insane. Make that more insane. Oh, and Temple U students... I recommend trying the CHEESE STEAKS.