MyATMPinIs1234

So apparently Axe body spray is now popular with teenage boys. So Gillette decides they want in on the action, and come up with their own product.

Gillette Co.'s Right Guard has introduced "Xtreme Cool Spray," an antiperspirant and deodorant sold in a bullet-shaped bottle with a spray lever on its side, similar to a fire extinguisher.

Got that? It's called "Xtreme Cool Spray." I hate to break it to Gillette, but if you have to tell everyone something is cool, then it's not. And if you have to tell everyone something is extreme, then it's not. So they are basically selling "Ordinary Dork Spray." The marketing department at Gillette needs to have their eyes held open while a can of dork spray is emptied into them.

I'm glad the curse has been lifted on the Boston Red Sox. Now they can get started working on removing the curse from the rest of the city. Of course I'm joking. Just because a city sucks doesn't mean it's actually cursed. But consider the following:

1) Whatever they call the subway over there can be going inbound in two different directions. That is stupid. New York didn't put downtown in the middle of Manhattan, so you always know the direction your train is running in, uptown or downtown.

2) Ben Affleck is from there.

3) New York is overflowing with people who loudly proclaim how incredible Boston is, yet a nanosecond after they had graduated high school or college they loaded up the suitcase with their Patroits jersey and got the hell out of that town to come to New York.

So basically, if you moved away from Boston at your earliest opportunity, you have no right to talk about how great it is. Move the fuck back there if it's so great. Hey, I grew up in Detroit and love the city and the teams, but I'll be the first to admit that it's an unliveable shithole, and that I have no intention of ever moving back there (unless that internship comes through as Ted Nugent's personal assistant). Boston is the white man's Detroit.

The mortgage broker sent me a nice postcard congratulating me on the one year anniversary of closing on my apartment. A nice gesture, although I would prefer to not be reminded that it has been a year and I still do not have a coffee table, and have been eating off a nasty chair that was left by the previous owner.

Unsatisfied with both major candidates for President, I was thinking of not voting this year, until Puff Daddy enlightened me on the negative ramifications of such a course of action.

Puff Daddy has as much business involving himself in politics as George Bush has producing a rap album. I'd like to thank John [the road to hell is paved with] McCain along with his buddy Russ Feingold for saddling us with this garbage, now that political cash can't be spent by [accountable] candidates and parties, but by ads placed on swift boats (nascar style), those who helped us moveon from the Clinton pants party debacle, and Hungarians who dislike the Bank of England. I'm sure this is what Jimbo and Dolly Madison had in mind when they wrote that "Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech except for things that future Senator John McCain finds disagreeable."

Vote or Die. At least Puff Daddy is teaching kids about logical fallacies, including some of my favorites -- false dilemma, and when promoted by celebrities, appeal to authority.

Having dreams about time travel are often fun and interesting, but not the one I had last night. Oh sure, it was fun at first, as I hopped in the time pod and went back to 1959. Wow! Look at all of those old cars! The Times Square ticker -- no Batista! Don't flee Havana!

Two Dollars for a steak dinner?!? Booyah! All I have are twenties, so I hand one over to the waiter who looks puzzled. He says, "first of all, the Treasury Secretary is Robert B. Anderson. John Snow is only 20 years old fer chrissakes! And twenties look nothing like this. This bill has peach in it."

Lets just say the Secret Service was not pleased. And this was back before the Warren court made crime fun and profitable. There was a long, old school interrogation during which I realized there was nothing plausible I could say to satisfy these guys. So I told them the only thing I could think of. I made these bills on the printing presses in the basement of the Columbia School of Journalism.

Who knew Iowa was so cool?

"In some cases, the issues affect a specific contested state: milk subsidies in Wisconsin, nuclear-waste storage in Nevada, methamphetamine abuse in Iowa, new restrictions on travel to Cuba in Florida, silvery minnow protections in New Mexico (WSJ 2004-10-21)."

If you've watched any sports on TV in the past year, you would know that there is a medication, that when taken gives a person "36 hours to choose the moment that's right." It is called Cialis, and it was obviously invented and marketed entirely by women. I've come to that conclusion, because men, by the time they even think about it, want to "get it on" right friggin now. If it was designed by men, it would be delivered, and have the same latency as one of those Native-American blow dart guns. "Honey, just shoot me in the neck when you are ready." 36 Hours? It's not like guys are worried that they are not going to have enough time to go out and buy a cute outfit and set up the candles and whatnot. If any guy is thinking about getting lucky in 36 hours, he's thinking that 36 hours from now will be like the 3rd or 4th time. And as we can see in the disclaimer on the commercial, "CIALIS has not been studied for multiple sexual attempts per dose."

But the concept is sound, they just used it on the wrong medication. I'd like a hangover medicine that works 36 hours from now.

Don't get too upset by the John Kerry comment from last Friday. These are all jokes.

Here's one for the other side...

Q: What did Dubya say was the hardest thing about rollerblading?
A: Admitting to Bush (41) and Barbara that he was gay.

The bad news for John Kerry, is that his candidacy is over, and has been for some time. This is not my partisan belief, since my preferred candidate will never win, but it is a provable fact.

For many months a decent sized and very vocal faction of the liberal democratic party has been comparing Bush to Hitler. We've seen everything from the Moveon.org ads explicitly making this point, to Michael Moore's bloviations (does that word reveal bias on my part?), to the guy outside my building selling "Bushitler" signs and T-shirts.

Enter Godwin's law, which states that "as an [online] discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison to Nazis and Hitler approaches one." In online forums it is almost universally recognized when the comparison is made, the argument is over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost the argument. This law makes sense, because it is clear that by the time someone uses a Nazi comparison as a debating tactic or argument, they have already run out of legitimate points and have thus lost. And although the law in it's strict form applies to online (specifically USENET) discussions, many feel that it applies equally well to a heated argument in any medium (and of course many political arguments happen online).

So there you have it. John Kerry is done. Sorry to ruin the election night suspense.

* and don't be a jerk and point out Freiler's Maxim, or that the person who points out that Godwin's Law applies loses the battle, because I am not a participant so this does not apply.

Here's an interesting little diet tip for those of you lacking in motivation.

The single best piece of diet advice I ever heard came from (don't laugh!) peak performance consultant Anthony Robbins. Robbins got his advice from one of his clients. It's called the "Alpo Diet." Invite a dozen friends over to your house. Tell them that by the end of the month you're going to lose ten pounds. Tell them that if you don’t, you'll eat the can of Alpo in front of them.

But the Alpo looks soooooo good. Mmmm...Gravy. And one time I ate a can of cat food for no reason, which is 100x worse than dog food, especially since I hate fish. Ok, I was wasted, but still.

I have a few friends that work at Weightwatchers.com. Of course, I don't know what is on that site, because my browser does not meet their lofty site requirements, but... actually I don't have a point. But if I did have a point, it would be that you should learn to love yourself the way you are, unless you are fat -- in which case you should hate yourself. And if you don't feel like paying the fees on weightwatchers.com, you can register for free at:

www.ifyoueatthatiwillhuntyoudown.com.

I haven't spent much time thinking about ways to evade airport security, partially because the security doesn't really exist, and partially because I don't care, but recently I came across a loophole so ridiculous only the government could think it up (ok and the airlines probably helped).

Anyone who's flown recently knows that you must show your boarding pass and an ID at the security line before they let you in to the terminal. Seems like a good idea, right? I guess it is, although if no weapons are allowed in anyway what does it matter? Well that's besides the point, because now airlines let you print out your boarding pass online from home before coming to the airport. This means that you can, in about 10 minutes, print out a boarding pass to any airport with any name on it or any flight number, by changing the HTML (or even cut and paste and then photocopy it). They don't check the actual info at the security checkpoint, only that it matches your ID (which can also be faked -- ask any 19 year old).

Not that it really matters, because the terrorists, if they strike again, are not stupid enough to utilize the same methods that we're already expecting. They'll just do something that our security people have never thought of.

I want a job at the TSA. It's like being an economist or weather man (or climatologist), except instead of doing nothing, you can spend your time thinking up ways to inconvenience people for no discernible benefit. That sounds like fun.

Just in case anyone reading this blog doesn't know or can't remember my birthday, here is an easy way to remember: I share a birthday with John Moses Browning.

Sometimes, all it takes is a really hot clothes dryer, to make you realize you're getting fat.

Amoeba: Hey.
Evangelical Christian: Well hey to you too! Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?
Amoeba: No, why should I do that?
Evangelical Christian: So you don't go to hell, of course.
Amoeba: I've done nothing wrong, why would I go to hell?
Evangelical Christian: Original sin, my friend. You were born a sinner.
Amoeba: Actually, big guy, I reproduced asexually. My ancestor divided in half.
Evangelical Christian: And you've done nothing wrong since then?
Amoeba: Just responding to stimuli. Mostly I've just been chillin in the bowels of some nice backpackers in India. I think they were Australian.
Evangelical Christian: Donuts! I thought they had every angle covered in BYU missionary school.
Amoeba: I don't think you should be working 'angles' on something this important.
Evangelical Christian: Great, now I'm going to hell!
Amoeba: Don't worry -- do what I'd do.
Evangelical Christian: What is that?
Amoeba: Turn into a spore. It's really hot and dry down there.
Evangelical Christian: Don't make me run you through a Brita water filter.

Sometimes we lose perspective. On the following list, figure out where you would start complaining about how much things suck. Then read the rest of the list and realize that your life pretty much kicks ass right now.

1) You pass a new 'just pickles' store, but you're on your way to get ice cream.
2) You stand in line for 20 minutes, and then the ice cream machine breaks.
3) On your way home your mistress calls and dumps you.
4) You're home, except it has burnt to the ground.
5) With your whole family inside.
6) The mailbox is undamaged, but contains a notice that your insurance has lapsed.
7) And you had just spent all weekend pressure cleaning the roof.
8) It was one of the nicest houses -- in Khartoum.
9) The cell phone call from your mistress was intercepted by the religious authorities, and now they are on their way to enforce the Sharia for adultery.
10) You begin to regret getting the "Islam Sucks, Mohammed Swallows" tattoo on your butt.
11) You are brutally tortured and killed.

So next time you think about getting all bent out of shape about a broken McFlurry machine, take a deep breath, calm down, and turn off your cell phone.