MyATMPinIs1234

Thought Experiment

There is some disagreement about how effective the stimulus package currently winding through Congress will be. Some economists think the government should spend a crapload of money, while others think they should give a crapload of money back to taxpayers.

I don't know. They both sound good to me. How can I figure out what I think they should do?

Imagine if Obama said that if you live west of the Mississippi, you will get $400B of spending on union construction projects, extended welfare and global warming research -- but no tax cut. If you live on the east side of the Mississippi, you will get a big tax cut but no money for the National Endowment for the Arts and all of your bridges will have to go to somewhere.

If you were in a boat going down the river when you heard this announcement, looking for a place to live, which bank would you head towards?

Newspapers

For decades Kodak sold film. Then one day, the ISO/IEC Joint Technical Committee 1, Subcommittee 29, Working Group 1 invented JPGs and film rapidly became obsolete. Kodak now sells digital camera and does quite well I think, despite being located in backwards Rochester, NY.

Newspapers are in a similar situation. Their current business is going to zero as fast as you can say "wait keep standing there smiling I need to load another roll of film." It's idiotic to have yesterday's news printed on paper, loaded on a truck, thrown in your driveway, probably not read, placed in the recycling bin, and picked up by another truck.

The brightest minds in the business are racing to figure out what to do before their lenders shut off the lights. Unfortunately, these people, while well suited to report on the fact that they are going out of business, are not well suited to prevent the same. Even the normally saavy Silicon Alley Insider's plan is a weak attempt to delay the inevitable.

Fortunately, I am unencumbered by any actual understanding of the newspaper business, nor the humility to avoid displaying this fact, which allows me to suggest the following course of action.

There are clearly many people who still value receiving a hard copy of the newspaper and are willing to pay, whether it's because they want to read it while traveling, they are old people, or they just hate plants...like vegetarians.

Someone needs to create a standalone printer that end users could obtain, connects to the internet, and prints the daily newspaper in the user's home in the form factor of a traditional paper (large pages double sided, etc). Wireless inkjet printers are like $100, and I can't imagine designing one that meets those specifications would cost much more than that.

These devices could be sold to users, or given to them in exchange for their subscription, similar to a cable box. It would bring the following advantages to newspapers:

1) Almost free distribution (no factories and trucks)

2) International reach (you could print the paper from your home town if you wanted)

3) Removal of timing issues. You could, with no additional cost create an evening issue, or set the dang thing to print a few pages every hour if the user wanted.

4) Digital delivery without relying on [what will later be found to be ineffective] advertising, or online subscriptions fees, which do not work unless you are offering something useful like the WSJ or porn.

The New York Times is the ideal candidate to implement this plan. They have already done most of the work brainwashing their readership about the erroneous risk of global warming, and thus this can be pitched as some kind of premium-added-cost-plant-saving-CO2-reducing-Al-Gore-fellating version of the normal paper.

I think people who are into auto-erotic asphyxiation should always write a suicide note before doing their thing, so in case they go too far and accidentally kill themselves it just looks like they were sad, not a perv.

The Rules

When filling up your bowl at self-serve Mongolian BBQ, acceptable items are meat, fish, and vegetables. Unacceptable items are rice and noodles.

Fortunately few people follow this rule, which allows my BBQ to be cheaper than it would have to be if they did. I like to take advantage of stupidity subsidies.

Others include:

1) New Years resolution gym contracts make membership cheaper for the rest of us.

2) People who buy electric and hybrid cars at great expense to themselves lower demand for gasoline making it cheaper for SUV owners.

How do they convince people to be the requisite "witnesses" at Mafia weddings?

It turns out that my ATM pin is the 4th most common password of all time. I think I'm going to have to find something further down on the list.

New Business Idea

Everyone hates going on vacation and walking around holding a guide book in your hand. Every few blocks you have to stop and examine it while the locals step around you rolling their eyes and petty thieves size you up as easy prey.

That is why I would like to start a new line of tourism guide books. I will take currently existing guide books, and bind them with a new cover in the local language of the destination saying, for example, "Ulan Bator Ninja Academy - Official Rules and Regulations." The picture will not be of the main tourist spot or the country's natural wonders, it will be of a scary looking guy with nun chucks or maybe even a bow staff.

Now, if you need to look for a place to eat or consult the guide book's map, you can hold the book up proudly and glare at the locals walking by.

In today's WSJ, we learn about a Pakistani journalist who escaped from a kidnapping.

"As negotiations dragged on for weeks, his guards relaxed. They gave Mr. Afridi scissors to trim his moustache. Eventually, he used the scissors to pick the lock that chained him to his bed."

This Magnum PI Macguyver mother fucker used a MOUSTACHE Trimmer to escape! I hereby induct him into the MyATMPinis1234 Moustache Hall of Fame.

Next time you buy a new car, don't waste the opportunity.

Buy a large red bow, place it on top of the car, and spend at least a week parking it in front of random neighbors' houses.

My New Year's resolution is to get 1000 more resolutions. I bet you suckers wasted it on something like losing weight!