MyATMPinIs1234

A Cockroach Dilemma

So you're watching TV about to go to bed and right past you walks the biggest cockroach you've ever seen. The initial impulse is to shriek like a girl and stomp on it hard enough to damage your floor. But then you think, "If I kill it, how will it be able to take the poison from the motels I've laid out back to the nest and kill the rest of them?" You certainly want the nest and the queen to be annihilated as well.

So you decide to stalk it for an hour with a flashlight, to make sure it leaves the apartment through the crack near the window from whence it came. You've decided not to kill it, and there's no way you can go to sleep with Gregor Samsa chillin out in your living room, so really watching it is your only option.

And then you get to see for yourself what cockroaches find interesting in your apartment. "Oh my farking nuts.... I can't believe the roach crawled on that! Note to self: buy new toothbrush."

After quite a long while, you decide that this roach is never leaving, and it's time to get rid of him. You don't want to leave a big squash mark on the wall, and you don't want to sleep all night with the discomforting smell of lavender RAID in the air, so you pick up the shop-vac and he is whisked away to die amongst the remnants of your last home improvement project and some long forgotten fritos. Finally time to go to bed. You brush your teeth (with your finger) and get under the covers.

Suddenly it occurs to you that perhaps you vacuumed up a pregnant roach, and then picture the prospect of coming home one day to see hundreds of baby roaches crawling out of the vacuum hose. You get out of bed, turn on the shop-vac again, and empty half a can of RAID into the hose. "I can't smell a thing...that shop-vac is one fine machine. I'm glad I sprung for the extra fine collection bag, which I seem to recall is rated for all manner of fine dust, dirt and debris -- with the exception of asbestos." You get back under the covers and settle in for a peaceful night.

"What was that noise?"

I am now the proud owner of a 4.5 Amp Orbital Jigsaw. This $39 Black and Decker model meets and exceeds my inner city tiny apartment needs, leaving me to dream of the existence that would require me to buy the DeWalt.

From today's WSJ:

"Assisting Mr. Kerry in his decision is a tiny group led by the senator's longtime friend James A. Johnson, head of Walter Mondale's 1984 presidential campaign."

I guess the heads of the Dukakis and McGovern campaigns were taken already.

As we celebrate Earth Day and the arrival of spring, take some time to think about the freedoms we enjoy, and the fact that some people in the world have in store for them a long, cold winter. Like the people at McMurdo.

You really have no idea how sick I am of OLAP.

When all you have is an MC Hammer, the whole world looks like a nail, but for some reason you don't want to hurt 'em.

Tonight marks the beginning of Passover, which commemorates when the Jews were slaves in Egypt. Once again, I renew my call for Jews to be given preferential admissions treatment at the University of Egypt.

I am annoyed. My password expired. It is now 1235. We are now secure.