MyATMPinIs1234

I don't give a shit about JFK jr. and Jon Benet Bessette.

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<Nelson>
Ha, Ha.
</Nelson>

p.s. i stole this.

This morning my co-worker was having a terrible time trying to figure out how to pour piss out of a boot. No matter what he did, the piss remained firmly inside. After several minutes of sitting there perplexed, I decided to help him out. I told him that this had happened to me several weeks ago, and when I called tech support they told me that the instructions were written on the bottom of the boot. That helped.

I think my spam filter is set up to block all interesting emails.

Perhaps this exists already, but I think it's time for someone to create a 'friendster' for people you just can't stand. I think a good name for it would be UPennster.com.

New Plan to Stop Terrorist Bombings

Our security is important. So is our freedom. The Patriot Act has come under heavy criticism due to one of the provisions that allows federal agents, with the approval of a special court, to investigate things. This is obviously grossly unconstitutional, but fortunately I have a plan that will completely eliminate the supply of parts to make bombs and other weapons so our government can go back to not investigating things.

My plan is to immediately close all Radio Shacks.

Girls of New York City,

I have noticed that during your orientation program, a very important procedure may have been overlooked. It is not necessary, and if you are short on money it is imprudent, to go and purchase a bottle of water every time you are thirsty. There is a device in almost every building, that upon the application of several simple steps, will supply you with free, clean, and tasty water. You may not already be familiar with this, because in some parts of the world this is not always true, but it should not be to difficult to learn because it is very similar to the process you undertake to wash your hair. Please refrain from complaining about your lack of discretionary funds until this protocol has been implemented.

Guys,

You should not be drinking bottled water unless the bottle is a canteen, and you are in Iraq. There really is no excuse.

What is the deal with al Qaeda? I'm no Bill Safire, but shouldn't it be Al Queda? Hey guys, the dotcom days are over. It's not cool to use lowercase anymore. And dudes, there's a 'u' after 'q'. I am so sick of this hippie shit. If I see Osama wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt I'm going to kick his ass.

A wise man once said, upon collecting $1100 in cash for the dinner he had just placed on his credit card, "Make sure I don't go to Rick's Cabaret. That's like riding a bus in Jerusalem... A disaster waiting to happen."

As far as I'm concerned, the most impressive recent human accomplishment is that a man with the given name 'Randy' convinced the world to call him 'Macho Man.'

If there are any lawyers reading this, please contact me. I'd like to sue Crunch Fitness for violating my civil rights. It's been brought to my attention that the 2nd Amendment states that I have a right to 'bear arms.' After working out at Crunch for several years, I still only have 'skinny, Jew arms.' And don't start telling me that you have to be in a militia to have bear arms. We all know that's not what the 2nd Amendment says.

It is always a bit disconcerting to hear a recording of your own voice. I just called my own voicemail, and after listening to my outgoing message, I've come to some very scary conclusions. For one thing, listening to my message has brought to my attention that I am a homosexual. I had not realized it before, but there is really no mistaking those vocal affectations. On a more positive note, I am also apparently fluent in Spanish.

I wish the people that worked around me would be sensitive to my immature, scatological sense of humor, and stop talking about "checking the log dump." Yes, it is possible that the Korn Shell error might be in the log dump, but do you really have to talk about it all day?

Very Bad Advertising

"Recycling is Good for the Environment...
but New Yorkers should do it anyway."

Do I totally misunderstand this ad? Is the Natural Resources Defense Council saying that New Yorkers should recycle regardless of whether or not it is good for the environment, although incidentally it happens to be good? If at some point it no longer helps, or even harms the environment should we continue? Good to know that recycling is now the ends, not the means.


"Wachovia Securities...Together, we can achieve uncommon results."

This ad has even won awards. I must be a complete idiot. The most 'common' definition for the word 'uncommon' is 'rare.' You know what would be rare? Three standard deviations below the mean would be very uncommon. No Thanks, Wachovia.