Monday, February 25, 2008
Yesterday I was watching Meet The Press where Ralph Nader announced his candidacy for POTUS. While listening to him discuss his policy stances, I was impressed with Nader's ability to keep his American accent after what must've been an extended training in the Soviet Union.
Nonetheless, I will be donating to his campaign.
For your convenience, I've taken Ralph Nader's positions and included a translation into non-crazy speak.
Nader Position: Adopt single payer national health insurance
Translation: Have you been through airport security lately? Yeah, make the doctors office more like that.
Nader Position: Cut the huge, bloated, wasteful military budget
Translation: You know the FIRST SENTENCE of the Constitution? Where it says the purpose of the new government is to "provide for the common defense." I'd like to not do that anymore.
Nader Position: No to nuclear power, solar energy first
Translation: I'm not just ignorant of economic laws. I'm also poorly versed in the laws of Physics.
Nader Position: Aggressive crackdown on corporate crime and corporate welfare
Translation: Bernie Ebbers of Worldcom and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco are mocking our judicial system with their measly 25 year prison sentences.
Nader Position: Open up the Presidential debates
Translation: To include me.
Nader Position: Adopt a carbon pollution tax
Translation: If it breathes, tax it. If it keeps breathing, regulate it. If it stops breathing, subsidize it.
Nader Position: Reverse U.S. policy in the Middle East
Translation: Our current policy -- trying to win -- should be reversed.
Nader Position: Impeach Bush/Cheney
Translation: The current standard, allowing for impeachment for "high crimes and misdemeanors" should be amended to also include "disagreeing with Ralph Nader." Not included would be "lying under oath during a deposition in Federal Court after sexually harassing a subordinate."
Nader Position: Repeal the Taft-Hartley anti-union law
Translation: I'd like to make it more difficult for American workers to compete against the Chinese.
Nader Position: Adopt a Wall Street securities speculation tax
Translation: Sometimes companies have to access the capital markets to raise money for building new factories and hiring more workers. I'd like to make that much more costly and less efficient.
Nader Position: Put an end to ballot access obstructionism
Translation: Because I want to be on the ballot but don't want to work hard to get there.
Nader Position: Work to end corporate personhood
Translation: Unfortunately Microsoft Word's grammar checker doesn't prevent stringing together words in meaningless combinations.
Nonetheless, I will be donating to his campaign.
For your convenience, I've taken Ralph Nader's positions and included a translation into non-crazy speak.
Nader Position: Adopt single payer national health insurance
Translation: Have you been through airport security lately? Yeah, make the doctors office more like that.
Nader Position: Cut the huge, bloated, wasteful military budget
Translation: You know the FIRST SENTENCE of the Constitution? Where it says the purpose of the new government is to "provide for the common defense." I'd like to not do that anymore.
Nader Position: No to nuclear power, solar energy first
Translation: I'm not just ignorant of economic laws. I'm also poorly versed in the laws of Physics.
Nader Position: Aggressive crackdown on corporate crime and corporate welfare
Translation: Bernie Ebbers of Worldcom and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco are mocking our judicial system with their measly 25 year prison sentences.
Nader Position: Open up the Presidential debates
Translation: To include me.
Nader Position: Adopt a carbon pollution tax
Translation: If it breathes, tax it. If it keeps breathing, regulate it. If it stops breathing, subsidize it.
Nader Position: Reverse U.S. policy in the Middle East
Translation: Our current policy -- trying to win -- should be reversed.
Nader Position: Impeach Bush/Cheney
Translation: The current standard, allowing for impeachment for "high crimes and misdemeanors" should be amended to also include "disagreeing with Ralph Nader." Not included would be "lying under oath during a deposition in Federal Court after sexually harassing a subordinate."
Nader Position: Repeal the Taft-Hartley anti-union law
Translation: I'd like to make it more difficult for American workers to compete against the Chinese.
Nader Position: Adopt a Wall Street securities speculation tax
Translation: Sometimes companies have to access the capital markets to raise money for building new factories and hiring more workers. I'd like to make that much more costly and less efficient.
Nader Position: Put an end to ballot access obstructionism
Translation: Because I want to be on the ballot but don't want to work hard to get there.
Nader Position: Work to end corporate personhood
Translation: Unfortunately Microsoft Word's grammar checker doesn't prevent stringing together words in meaningless combinations.
